It’s not just parents who play a crucial role in a child’s life. Grandparents and even great-grandparents are integral in teaching life lessons, and helping youth understand their family history. Many of you have likely heard the joke, if a child doesn’t get something they want the first time that they ask for it, then they go ask grandma. How that plays out in a family relationship can sometimes be a point of contention.

Becoming a grandparent or great grandparent is a truly exciting event. In some people’s lives, it’s a momentous event that they’ve really been looking forward to. There are some unique considerations that come with this. It’s important to be aware that family relationships and dynamics will change. We can have strong bonds with our children, grandchild, or great grandchild, but those relationships will evolve over time.

Kansas State University Aging and Adult Development Specialist, Erin Martinez, suggests that the child’s parents and grandparents set and understand boundaries, and establish communication, before the child is born. Time after child birth can be so busy and hectic, so it’s best to communicate beforehand. Be sure to leave those lines of communication open so that we understand people’s boundaries and expectation. 

Doing so helps to assure that we are doing what is best for ourselves, our loved ones, and the new grandchild. It can be difficult, but I encourage grandparents to resist the temptation to offer unsolicited advice on how to raise the baby. That can be hard to do, but as the grandparent, this is a great time to let your own children go forward and let them thrive and flourish as parents themselves. Sit back and take pride in the child you have raised.

Now, if they seek your advice, then absolutely provide it. There are times when you can say, ‘you know, when you were young, I found this worked really well,’ and that’s a gentle way to suggest trying something instead of saying, ‘Hey, you should do it this way.’ Some of the areas in which parents and grandparents should communicate boundaries include appropriate times to visit, foods that the child can have and the parent’s wishes for things the child is exposed to (such as television or other screens).

It can be hard, as a grandparent, to take the ‘fun card’ too far. We want to stay within the boundaries and expectations of the parent. You should have a great time with your grandchild, but do so in a way that is meaningful and purposeful so that we’re not stepping on each other’s toes. Grandparents can also set some boundaries, particularly when it comes to protecting their own time to do things that they enjoy doing in their own lives. If desired, grandparents can explain that they want to have a meaningful relationship with their grandchild, but need to do so around their own hobbies, community activities or part-time work.

Information comes from Kansas State University Aging and Adult Development Specialist, Erin Martinez.

For more information on 4-H Youth Development or K-State Extension call 620-793-1910, email 4-H Agents Ben Sims at benjam63@ksu.edu, or stop by the Great Bend office. Follow K-State Research and Extension – Cottonwood Extension District Facebook page and check the website cottonwood.k-state.edu for the most up-to-date information about programming.